A graveyard at night was the setting for Gucci’s 2019 cruise show, so right off the bat you know you’re in for some spooky stuff. Not that that’s a bad thing. I’m just saying.
Anyway, let’s start with the runway, shall we? They lit the thing on fire and then piped in all this fog, so the whole production looked like the setting for some sort of witch’s sabbath, complete with iron candelabras and Gregorian chants. I mean, talk about setting the mood! Human sacrifice, anyone?
Naturally, the show itself was full of spooky references and creepy characters, like this chic psycho in a pantyhose mask with blue crystals where his eyes should be.
Apparently, that whole face situation was a reference to ancient death masks, but it’s also very “it puts the lotion on its skin.” Especially with those glossy lips and that wig. And why is there only that one hole for the mouth? Sort of looks like a Gucci-fied gimp mask. Kinky!
Speaking of kink, these flesh-colored, glossy leather pants happened.
Then there was this sequined extravaganza — very rough-trade-at-the-disco by way of the Golden Girls. With shaved eyebrows.
This lithe oompa loompa made an appearance. Doopity doo, indeed!
And this black mesh mask makes the model wearing it look like something out of a Guillermo del Toro movie. Or “Alien.” Yeah, that’s it! It’s like if a xenomorph was attending a beach wedding, but it was nighttime and she got cold, so she put on a sweater and then she stole the flowers out of one of the centerpieces on her way to the car. Pretty dress, though. Ruffles are so in this season.
A lot of the models in the show wore little black veils, which made them look like mourners at a funeral.
This one accessorized her funeral look with a spiked glove that seems like it could have been created in a serial killer’s basement metal shop. So… I guess we know how that dude died! Freddy Krueger, eat your heart out.
And is it just me, or does this model have a major case of Kool-Aid mouth lurking behind that veil?
The bouquets carried by the models were generally… how do I put this? Less than fresh? Designer Alessandro Michele was apparently inspired by widows carrying bouquets to the graves of their dead husbands, which is why he went with flowers that were slightly wilted and dried-out.
My question is, why would the widows be carrying dried-out, wilted flowers to their husband’s graves? Honestly, it kind of looks like they were so busy planning their fabulous outfits (and they are fabulous!) that they forgot to get flowers, so they had to pilfer their bouquets from nearby, unguarded graves. I mean, who actually buys an expensive bouquet of flowers and then holds it like this:
No. No. I’m telling you, something shady is going on with these flowers. Also, what is up with the weird way this model is holding her purse? It’s so oddly prim. She sort of looks like an old lady who suddenly became young again, but is still dressing like a she’s in the nursing home. Minus the bright pink lace stockings, that is. I don’t know. It’s confusing!
You know what else is confusing? This dude, who seems to have forgotten his pants. Honestly, he looks like a Bard College freshman doing a walk of shame (and loving every second of it).
And don’t even get me started on this guy. I mean, is that a back brace around his waist?
Actually, it’s probably a fanny pack. Giant fanny packs were all over this Gucci show.
There were also a lot of cool black dresses, like this one with a bedazzled rib cage stuck to the front.
Or this sexy little leather number. (Side note: Is it just me or do her arms look like they’ve been dip-dyed? Ombre flesh is totally the new ombre hair, amiright?)
But then this dude came out holding a teddy bear by the arm and, I don’t know… is anyone else getting a ’70s-murderer-carrying-a-trophy-from-his-latest-kill vibe? Too dark? I know, right?! But there is no way you can tell me you’d feel safe leaving your kid with a man rocking a three-piece suit with socks and sandals and a mullet? That single earring is fetch, though.
And at least he’s not wearing a pussy-bow shirt. Alessandro Michele keeps trying to make those happen for men and as wonderful and talented and off-the-wall fabulous as he and his designs are, there is just no way a man in a pussy-bow blouse will ever look like anything other than a nonce on his way to a court appearance. Case in point:
This white dress, though? So good. OMG. Love it. Can’t get enough. Her makeup looks like she did it herself during a particularly bumpy hay ride, but that’s OK. I mean, who wants to see another flawless lip and perfectly executed cat-eye? BORING!
At the end of the day, you gotta give it up to Alessandro Michele. The man is just so damn fearless and creative! Sure, his shows are creepy and weird, but that’s what makes them great. Besides, when you strip away all the fanfare and maximalist styling and strange props, what you’re left with is a bunch of really cool, well-made clothes that are actually fun and interesting to look at (not to mention, a total hoot to write about). So here’s to you, Alessandro! You maniac.
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